Breathing gets louder and clothes are stripped away, removing all barriers between two yearning bodies . . . Whether it is happening on the big screen or on your home television, you may still find yourself quickly averting your glance, maybe even closing or covering your eyes, at the onset of a sex scene. Or maybe you “hold out” and continue watching, suppressing any signs of embarrassment.
Why the fretfulness? Is sex not one of the most natural behaviors? It is, but too many people are trained to respond to their sexuality with feelings of shame and guilt, and sex becomes a hush-hush deed.
Many Latino childhoods include steamy novelas playing in the background, with parental instructions to turn away most likely following the initiation of the muy-often risqué scenes. Curiosity-driven questions posed by children often lead to some “shh”ing or shaming by older generations, who fear that questions indicate interest, and that their answering will launch or condone sexual activity. This sends the strong and harmful message that although the topic of sex is rampant in the media and on the playground, sexuality is not talked about in the family.
Have you ever felt confused about a sexuality-related topic? If so, you are not alone. Children and teens are many times left, ill-equipped, to play a game of “true” or “false” with all the sex messages they gather from: friends, music, magazines, television and movies, sources constantly spewing out misinformation.
While some Latino parents do feel comfortable talking about sex with their children, some cannot get themselves to do it - they need your help. Think about it: If your abuelos did not talk to your mami about her budding breasts or periods, or to your papi about spontaneous erections and wet dreams, your parents may not feel comfortable engaging in such conversations with you. Break the cycle.
If your parents already talk openly about sexuality with you, they deserve some back-patting; You may unknowingly be reaping many benefits. Xochitl Gomez, counselor at Puente High School, a teen parent school, shares some of the benefits for you if you have open communication around sexuality with your parents:
1. You will be more willing to seek advice from your parents, not only regarding sexuality, but about other important life events.
2. You will be more likely to ask your parents for help when faced with an uncomfortable situation.
3. You will know what expectations and values your parents have for you, and the positive and negative consequences.
For those of you with more sexually-silent parents, help them come around, so they can share their perspective, knowledge, lessons and values with you.
Open conversations about sexuality may not only be helpful to you. Mami and papi may not be all-knowing: “Parents sometimes don’t know about the information kids want to ask about,” says Emperatriz Pinedo, HIV educator at Ventura County Public Health . You might be able to teach them some things you learned in sex education classes at school or at your last ob/gyn visit.
Also, communicating with parents about sexuality will hopefully transfer to comfort in communicating with partners about practicing safer sex, when that time comes.
Silence, no more! Turn once-awkward moments into candid and meaningful heart-to-hearts with your parents. Say buh-bye to the feeling of having “dirty secrets.”
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Here are some tips to lead to a happy ending:
1. Take baby steps.
Your parents may not know that you are ready to have sexuality chats, and some may think that it is too late for them to start. Know and assure them that it is never too early or too late.
Your parents may have never talked openly about sexuality- you can ease them into it by starting to talk about broad topics and eventually getting specific, as needed. Pinedo, suggests starting by asking your parents about their own personal experiences. You could ask your parents about the positives and challenges they encountered during puberty or their first date experience.
You have to establish comfort discussing general sexuality topics before you can effectively approach them about more applicable-to-you topics, such as you wanting to ditch maxi pads and try using tampons, you wanting to get on birth control, or you facing decisions regarding an unplanned pregnancy.
Here are some conversation-starters Gomez recommends:
· “I know you might be uncomfortable talking about this, but I need to know from you . . .”
· “It’s not easy to talk about this, but in class we learned about . . . What do you think about . . . ?”
· “I know you think I’m too young to know/learn about this, but I found out . . .”
· “I love you very much and I need your help. I want to know about . . .”
You may worry that you may reveal too much. “Just keep your boundaries. As a parent, I do not want to hear about what positions my child likes, just like my teen would not want to hear that from me . . . It would probably make her feel uncomfortable . . . I think everything else is open,” says Gomez.
2. Respect values.
If your parents consider sexuality a private matter, stay away from bringing up these topics in public places. Gomez suggests not bringing up sexuality topics around other family members. “It’s so personal. I don’t see eye-to-eye with some things my parents believe, and I want my children to hear from me what I want them to know,” she says.
Parent-child pairs have different ways of communicating. When discussing sexuality, match the language that is most appropriate with your parents, suggests Gomez. She also advises that you refrain from using slang or curse words, and to remember that you are talking to your parents, not your friends.
3. Take advantage of every opportunity.
“Every single day, there’s an opportunity,” says Pinedo. “Someone will say or do something where you can integrate the ‘sex talk . . . You keep plugging and plugging, and if that plugging opens up a venue for communication, take advantage of that.”
But when do you plug? When the media or someone else raises the subject of sex, you can plug in a consequential conversation with your parents. “It’s a great time to bring up [sexuality] topics during novelas,” recommends Katalina Navarro, a Planned Parenthood educator. “There’s something there that brings it up- it takes the pressure off of you bringing it up.”
If you are comfortable with starting the conversation sola, find a time when your parents are calm and you have your their full attention. Gomez suggests finding an activity you and your parents can do together: shopping, walking, even family chores, so that it takes the edge off of a formal sit-down-here-we’re-going-to-have-this-conversation scenario. “Talking over food, whether it’s coffee, ice cream, or lunch somewhere always gets people talking,” she says.
What if your parents are mega-busy, and it never seems like the right time to spark a serious conversation? Gomez suggests leaving a note for your parents, possibly reading, “I miss you and I need to talk to you. When is a good time?”
4. Do it often.
There is so much talk about “the talk,” when really it should be about “the talks.” It would be daunting to cover all that sexuality encompasses over one cup of café con leche. Plus, you want to be able to ask questions as they arise.
5. Be pleasant.
Be relaxed and collected during your sexuality discussions. Your energy will transfer and put your parents at ease, which can lead to some intensely profound heart-to-hearts. Navarro suggests using humor to diminish any awkwardness.
“Parents want to feel needed,” says Gomez. They will probably appreciate that you are seeking their listening ears and wise mouths. Be careful about being a “sabe-lo-todo,“ warns Pinedo. Even if you already know some of the information your parents offer you, hear them out and express appreciation for their sharing.
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Your parents want you to make the best decisions, and most will overcome their feelings of discomfort so that they can help you. “If it’s just culture, an issue that parents weren’t taught, there’s room to improve. When religion is the reason why the parents aren’t educating, it makes it more difficult for teens to go to their parents,” says Pinedo. She suggests that in these situations, you seek the guidance of another trusted adult, maybe your abuela, your nina or a friend’s parent.
Either way, make sure you have all the information you need to make informed decisions about issues regarding your sexuality- it will lead to your happiest and healthiest self.
[Potential Sidebar]
Ay, ay, ay!
Some facts demonstrating the importance of shattering the silence:
The National Campaign to End Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reports that one-third of girls in the United States get pregnant at least once by age 20.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the rates of sexually transmitted diseases, which can increase the chances of contracting HIV, are higher for Hispanics/Latinos.
HIV/AIDS was the fourth leading cause of death among Hispanics/ Latinos aged 35–44 in 2005, reports the CDC.
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